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If ever I should fail at my lofty goal of snail farming, I’m thinking that a fun and lucrative enterprise might be a gourmet hot dog place.  When I say gourmet, I’m not fooling.  My idea is to make EVERYTHING the place sells from scratch.

Sound ambitious?  Well, I suppose it is.  But when I think of the peculiar culinary skill set I’ve had the chance to develop, it’s really not so crazy an idea.  If you look at my past blogs, you’ll see I already know how to make sauerkraut.  And my chili recipe is rockin’, if I may say so.  I also know how to bake bread, so we’re good on the buns as well. 

You may be saying to yourself, “What about the ketchup and mustard, smarty pants?”  It’s true I’ve never tried to make ketchup at home, but Jeffrey Steingarten gives detailed instructions in one of his books.  That should do, because he wouldn’t have published the recipe if it sucked.  As far as mustard goes, that’s a snap, but the key to it would be making a mustard that’s both unique and accessible to the palate of the average hot dog eater.  Onions?  I’ll grow them, or at least buy local and/or organic ones.  Relish?  I’ll put up the pickles myself and take it from there.

Last but not least, lurks the main matter, the hot dog itself.  I believe with perseverance, excellent equipment, and the best locally-raised pork that money can buy, I could make outrageously good hot dogs.  Oh, and I’d probably need a little smokehouse built, too, to give the dogs some extra nuance.  I happen to know of a farmer in my area that sells butchered hogs that are quite literally the best I’ve ever tasted.  Maybe he has the facility to pre-smoke the meat for me!

I’m getting very excited about my idea.  The snails might have to wait.  They’re good at that, though.  They’re never in a rush for anything.

I’ve mentioned briefly my aspirations to snail farming.  I’d like to do it more for fun and profit than personal consumption, but I’m sure that I’d have to try cooking and eating some of my harvest to make sure I’ve got a good product. 

I’ve been reading articles online to learn some of the basics of “helioculture,”  but I’m sure reading everything I can get my hands on would not substitute for real-life experience.  So if anybody out there can point me in the direction of an escargot apprenticeship, please let me know.  I really need to see with my own eyes, and get my hands into, the management of snail pens.

There’s also the important matter of my beginning stock.  I’m quite sure there are strict laws governing the importation of live animals, snails included. There are also laws regulating live shellstock crossing state lines in the U.S.  I’d like to begin with the absolute best snails, perhaps more than one variety.  So if anybody can provide contact information for domestic snail sources, I’d be most thankful.  There’s a fellow in Le Perche region of France named Phillipe Couvreur who supposedly has bred the most dynamite escargot ever, but I can’t imagine how I’d legally obtain some of his l’il slithers while still alive.  But if there’s a way for me to get hold of good European snail stock, PLEASE let me know.  I’m in uncharted waters here.  Thank you! 

This is my first post, let’s talk about food!